5/30/25

When I last wrote here, I talked about the two projects I’m in the process of, that I would make sure not to get caught up in the madness of it all. 

Well, I would have taken that over the dental pain I was enduring, and endured shortly after I addressed the long neglected and painful cavities that were affecting nearly every aspect of my comfort. 

Besides the last Currently entry, I did manage to pull myself together long enough over the next few days to publish this , which was a lovely distraction despite writing about someone who recently died.

This dental issue was far worse in terms of pain and length of time compared to my one and only gout flare that happened last year, of which I will publish at some point in the near future. With my gout flare I could at least sit or lay down to get somewhat comfortable.

Going back to the dentist to take care of a still lingering issue made them worse, so I will find another one. I got a well placed referral from a family member to a better dentist that is better equipped to treat my situation, which is what I should have done to begin with. Live and learn…

My chiropractor helped find me some comfort with the tools and skills at his disposal; thankfully he’s more than a bone cracker and eased my intense pain into something more manageable to function with. Frequent use of a heating pad helped even more, and now I’ve been restriction free for over a week.

This last week plus I have been in catch up mode, financially and writing projects wise. The need to make up for lost time with my projects added to my already present overwhelm. Knowing big things get accomplished in small steps is one thing, applying it takes about a ton more effort of recognition and application. 

What helped me turn a corner was having a conversation last week with someone as part of my research for one of these projects. The person is someone I never conversed with before. I have admired him at a distance for a few years; he is quite prolific, and I allowed that to intimidate me and throw me into imposter syndrome. This did not combine well with how much time I missed the couple or so weeks prior. I could not find the grace for myself despite how nicely logic presented it to me, resulting in a really bad day prior to that conversation.

We planned the conversation nearly a week out, when I estimated my dental pain would not deter from the conversation. I was correct. Once on the call I got his permission to record, and off we went for over an hour.  

He was very kind and pleasant and generous, and I really enjoyed our conversation. He was helpful in pointing me to some areas of focus to at least consider, and made me aware of other tidbits I didn’t know of.

In spite of my bad day, I did my best to be professional and not tell him how much I admire him, perhaps to the point of him wondering if I’ve ever read a word he wrote or listened to his podcast. There was a happy medium to be had and I don’t think I found it. 

We hung up saying we’d stay in touch, and he offered some last words of encouragement. I felt better afterwards; the overwhelm started to feel like it was beginning to settle, just a little bit. And that was enough.

The next day I went to the recording to transcribe the conversation only to discover the distressing fact that it did not record. I messaged him to thank him for his time and generosity, and in the next message that I was sorry to report that the recording did not work. I promised that any future conversation would have me in full knowledge of a method that will work. 

Thankfully I made some notes, which I also made him aware of so he wouldn't feel like his time was wasted and that he was appreciated. He didn’t respond, which made me wonder if I should have said anything past thanking him. I feel it would have been dishonest not to, though maybe that’s me being a bit of a nervous overthinker at times. 

I felt and still feel horrible about it. It sucks, but I can’t do anything more than resolve to do better going forward. Oh, and imposter syndrome kicked in again with more compelling evidence than just the voice in my head. 

While back pre-conversation imposter syndrome but magnified, I knew I could convince it to piss off by continuing the work I was doing and adding what was suggested to me during that conversation. Then another idea followed, which led to some more, which then led to feeling a little better, and better than that once I began taking action.  

I’m glad to have lots of experience dealing with imposter syndrome. It’ll still take a bit to feel better about the phone call not recording and not striking a good balance of professionalism and showing admiration. Overall, I have a lot of gratitude for being able to live comfortably and continue with the forward momentum while proving my inner asshole wrong again. That’s gotten more fun over the years.